Buchwald's Farewell Column, Written to Be Released at Death

By E&P Staff Published: January 18, 2007 2:50 PM ET

NEW YORK Art Buchwald wrote a final column that he asked not be distributed until after he died. The piece was penned on Feb. 8, 2006, after Buchwald decided to check into a hospice. He eventually left the hospice, of course, and resumed his syndicated column. Buchwald died last night at the age of 81. Here's the farewell column, courtesy of Tribune Media
Services:

***GOODBYE, MY FRIENDSBy Art Buchwald Tribune Media Services
Several of my friends have persuaded me to write this final column, which is something they claim I shouldn't leave without doing.

There comes a time when you start adding up all the pluses and minuses of your life. In my case I'd like to add up all the great tennis games I played and all of the great players I overcame with my now famous "lob."

I will always believe that my tennis game was one of the greatest of all time. Even Kay Graham, who couldn't stand being on the other side of the net from me, in the end forgave me.

I can't cover all the subjects I want to in one final column, but I would just like to say what a great pleasure it has been knowing all of you and being a part of your lives. Each of you has, in your own way, contributed to my life.

Now, to get down to the business at hand, I have had many choices concerning how I wanted to go. Most of them are very civilized, particularly hospice care. A hospice makes it very easy for you when you decide to go. What's interesting is that everybody has his or her own opinion as to how you should go out.

All my loved ones became very upset because they thought I should brave it out -- which meant more dialysis.

But here is the most important thing: This has been my decision. And it's a healthy one.

The person who was the most supportive at the end was my doctor, Mike Newman. Members of my family, while they didn't want me to go, were supportive, too. But I'm putting it down on paper, so there should be no question the decision was mine.

I chose to spend my final days in a hospice because it sounded like the most painless way to go, and you don't have to take a lot of stuff with you.

For some reason my mind keeps turning to food. I know I have not eaten all the eclairs I always wanted. In recent months, I have found it hard to go past the Cheesecake Factory without at least having one profiterole and a banana split.

I know it's a rather silly thing at this stage of the game to spend so much time on food. But then again, as life went on and there were fewer and fewer things I could eat, I am now punishing myself for having passed up so many good things earlier in the trip.

I think of a song lyric, "What's it all about, Alfie?" I don't know how well I've done while I was here, but I'd like to think some of my printed works will persevere -- at least for three years.

I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.

And after this column appears in the paper following my passing, I would like to think it will either wind up on a cereal box top or be repeated every Thanksgiving Day.

So, "What's it all about, Alfie?" is my way of saying goodbye.

I HAVE A WHAT?

Jailed for Revving his Engine in a "Racist Manner?"

I thought the judicial system in America was bogged down with rediculous wastes of human flesh.

Now, this guy in Scotland gets jailed and fined for revving his Lotus engine, "In a racial manner."


GEEZ, what's next? Will you get arrested for farting in the direction of Mecca?

The Islamic insanity is all over the world.

Dr. Martin Luther King

I was a teenager when he was assasinated. I do remember some things from that dark era in history though.

I remember the huge white drinking fountains in school. One for whites and one for colored. I walked up to the one for coloreds and wondered if I would catch "cooties" or something if I drank from it. It didn't look any different than ours.

I saw the blacks living "across the tracks" in what everyone called, "Nigger Town." No one thought twice that it was a negative word. It's just what they called them.

I remember the riots on the Black & White TV. Spraying water hoses on them.

I remember the National Guard in front of a school while some brave black girls walked into the front door.

I remember seeing the churches on fire from bombings, and the girls that were killed.

I remember Governor Wallace vowing to stop all integration and saying, "Colored people are alright, as long as you own one or two of them."

I remember being told that blacks smell different than us and if you "gave them an inch, they would take a mile."

I remember being friends with a black girl while living in California. She asked me, "What do you think of colored girls?" I replied that I didn't know any colored girls enough. Her Brother became angry and basically ran me off. He didn't say why he suddenly changed but I think it was that.
We've come a long way.

Now, we've seemed to go the other way. We're in that area where some blacks think the government owes them something. I think that's a backlash of the government trying to fix everything.

I do know that I see a lot more blacks driving Jaguars and Mercedes than I do whites.
If that's progress, then I guess we've arrived at Dr, King's dream.