From the WTF? File

Ex-Personal Assistant Sues Carlos Santana

I seems an assistant to Carlos Santana is suing the guitarist for damages claiming he was fired after his consciousness was "calibrated" and determined that it was too low.
I went down to see Billy, my mechanic and asked if I could borrow one of those "spiritual calibrators." He said he looked around but couldn't find one. I think he was just fun'in with me but I'm not sure.
I sure would like to try out one of those things.

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

"The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.
Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten. So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

I'm Tired of Cindy Seehan

I understand she lost her son. I feel a lot for her and all the Mothers that have lost their sons. My Mother thanked God everyday after I returned from Southeast Asia. I could not image if she had lost me BUT...This so-called "Protest" outside of Crawford has turned into a media circus with poor, delusioned Cindy right in the middle of it.
Now, sadly, it has become a life-mission for her. Her husband is leaving her, her family is trying to disengage from her. She is standing alone, with all the liberal groups scrambling to get in front of the camera on her behalf. They're even interfering with that guy's ability to "practice" for dove season.
All in all, there is something coming that may or may not be relief from this embarassing fiasco. Move America Forward is organizing a "You Don't Speak for Me, Cindy" Tour that plans to show up there next week. It will feature military family members who have loved ones serving in the war against terrorism in Iraq or Afghanistan.

The delegation will be led by Deborah Johns of Northern California Marine Moms. She will lead the caravan to Crawford, Texas where she and Move America Forward Chairman, Melanie Morgan, will lead a “WE SUPPORT OUR TROOPS & THEIR MISSION” rally in Crawford on Saturday, August 27th, 2005.
Should prove interesting.

Letter of Apology

Thanks to Media Lies.

This "Letter of Apology" was written by Lieutenant General Chuck Pitman, US Marine Corps, Retired:

"For good and ill, the Iraqi prisoner abuse mess will remain an issue. On the one hand, right thinking Americans will abhor the stupidity of the actions while on the other hand, political glee will take control and fashion this minor event into some modern day massacre.

I humbly offer my opinion here:

I am sorry that the last seven times we Americans took up arms and sacrificed the blood of our youth, it was in the defense of Muslims (Bosnia, Kosovo, Gulf War 1, Kuwait, etc.).

I am sorry that no such call for an apology upon the extremists came after 9/11.

I am sorry that all of the murderers on 9/11 were Islamic Arabs.

I am sorry that most Arabs and Muslims have to live in squalor under savage dictatorships.

I am sorry that their leaders squander their wealth.

I am sorry that their governments breed hate for the US in their religious schools, mosques, and government-controlled media.

I am sorry that Yassar Arafat was kicked out of every Arab country and high-jacked the Palestinian "cause."

I am sorry that no other Arab country will take in or offer more than a token amount of financial help to those same Palestinians.

I am sorry that the USA has to step in and be the biggest financial supporter of poverty stricken Arabs while the insanely wealthy Arabs blame the USA for all their problems.

I am sorry that our own left wing, our media, and our own brainwashed masses do not understand any of this (from the misleading vocal elements of our society like radical professors, CNN and the NY TIMES).

I am sorry the United Nations scammed the poor people of Iraq out of the "food for oil" money so they could get rich while the common folk suffered.

I am sorry that some Arab governments pay the families of homicide bombers upon their death.

I am sorry that those same bombers are brainwashed thinking they will receive 72 virgins in "paradise."

I am sorry that the homicide bombers think pregnant women, babies, children, the elderly and other noncombatant civilians are legitimate targets.

I am sorry that our troops die to free more Arabs from the gang rape rooms and the filling of mass graves of dissidents of their own making.

I am sorry that Muslim extremists have killed more Arabs than any other group.

I am sorry that foreign trained terrorists are trying to seize control of Iraq and return it to a terrorist state.

I am sorry we don't drop a few dozen Daisy cutters on Fallujah.

I am sorry every time terrorists hide they find a convenient "Holy Site."

I am sorry they didn't apologize for driving a jet into the World Trade Center that collapsed and severely damaged Saint Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church - one of our Holy Sites.

I am sorry they didn't apologize for flight 93 and 175, the USS Cole, the embassy bombings, the murders and beheadings of Nick Berg and Daniel Pearl, etc....etc!

I am sorry Michael Moore is American; he could feed a medium sized village in Africa.

America will get past this latest absurdity. We will punish those responsible because that is what we do. We hang out our dirty laundry for the entire world to see. We move on.

That's one of the reasons we are hated so much. We don't hide this stuff like all those Arab countries that are now demanding an apology.

Deep down inside, when most Americans saw this reported in the news, we were like - so what? We lost hundreds and made fun of a few prisoners. Sure, it was wrong, sure, it dramatically hurts our cause, but until captured we were trying to kill these same prisoners. Now we're supposed to wring our hands because a few were humiliated?

Our compassion is tempered with the vivid memories of our own people killed, mutilated and burnt amongst a joyous crowd of celebrating Fallujahans.

If you want an apology from this American, you're going to have a long wait!

You have a better chance of finding those seventy-two virgins.

Chuck Pitman Lieutenant General, USMC (Ret)

'NUFF SAID